Today a very lovely woman named Clare came to talk with us. She loved our book A Mother's Final Gift and wants to help us get it into the hands of more people. Her passion in life is conscious end of life care. We talked about the problem of DOD, denial of death. Perhaps many of us have DOD to some degree. We see a very elderly person just barely able to get around and we think, "Oh that won't happen to me." We hear of people dying of cancer or being killed suddenly in a car accident and we compassion for them, but again are in denial that that could be us. Once in a workshop in Hawaii a young man with AIDS was close to death. (this was before any treatment had been found for AIDS) We had him come into the middle of the circle and we were sending him healing light while our musician Charley Thweatt sang to him. At the end of the song he looked around the circle at all of us and remarked, "You are looking at me like I am having an experience that you will never have. Each one of you will have this experience of dying at some time. It just happens to be my time right now." I often reflect on his words.
In A Mother's Final Gift we write about how my mother was not in denial of death. She looked forward to it as her greatest adventure. In having this attitude she was able to live her life more fully. She knew that each day was a gift and she wanted to live it fully and joyously knowing that perhaps it could be her last. If we could keep that awareness of death close to us, our lives would take on more meaning.
When my father was in the hospital and we decided to take him off life support my husband turned to me and asked, "What would you want, if you were in a similar situation?" At that point in time I simply could not answer; my brain refused to let me consider a future where it could be me on the hospital bed with irreparable brain damage.
ReplyDeleteI think so many of us are afraid of death because it's such an unknown and it raises so many questions: Will there be pain? Will the dying person be so drugged they don't seem like themselves anymore? Is there a heaven? Will my loved one be gone forever, or merely to a place where it's trickier to contact them?
My aunt once remarked that people ought to take a class on dying so they know what to expect. For my part, I am grateful for the wisdom and kindness of friends, and for the support and information my family's received from hospice. Mostly importantly, I am grateful to God for taking the time to listen to my prayers and respond in a manner I could "hear." Having evidence that there is a greater power who's on my family's side is tremendously comforting because it reinforces my belief that our loved ones will be well taken care of and happy once they do cross over.
....and once one realizes it's going to be okay for your dying loved one, it's a lot easier to relinquish your denial about your own eventual death.
Love,
Kristen