Receiving help

A young woman has written to me because her father just died and her mother has a very serious stage 4 cancer. She does not know what to say to people when they ask if there is anything they can do to help. She wonders if they are serious in their request as at times it feels very shallow. It seems they don't know what to say because it is so tragic, so they say "can I help", but it doesn't feel very sincere. What does a person do in a situation like this?

As I wrote in a Mother's Final Gift, when my mother was dying many people asked me the same thing. Some people were genuinely sincere and some just seemed to be asking to help because they didn't know what else to say to me and they thought they should say something. I took advantage of each offer however, whether it seemed sincere or not. I figured that I would test out their sincerity rather than just say no. For people that lived far away I asked them to send my mother cards. She loved receiving cards and each one cheered her up and she would keep them by her bed. Sometimes she would forget who the person was who sent the cards, but still she loved getting the mail and the attention.

For people who lived close enough I asked them to visit her, making an appointment with me first. Of the thirty or fourty people who asked to help and I suggested that they visit, only 4 actually did outside of our immediate family.  Until the last week of her life and then everyone wanted to come, but I had to say no to each of those people because my mother needed most to be alone then except for the family. It made me sad that people's lives are so busy that they can't take the time to visit someone who is slowly dying, until it looks like the very end is in sight. It has been a good lesson to me to seize the opportunity when the dying person is well enough to have visitors.

To all people who asked to help I asked them to pray for my mother and to pray for our family that we might have the strength to carry out our care of her. Whenever someone asks me to pray for them I take it very seriously and periodically let them know that I am praying for them on a daily basis. I don't know how many people actually did pray for my mother, but whoever did the prayers really helped.

Of the four people that actually did visit, their visits meant so much to my mother and to our family. For one thing it gave me a much needed break to tend to my own life and family. For another thing it brought alot of cheer to my mother. My friend Judy visited every week and was a cheerleader for her. She let her know how well she was doing in her dying and how proud she was of her. Her church secretary also visited on a weekly basis and talked to her about church news. The others were also very helpful.

I will be forever grateful to the people who took the time to visit with my mother and also sent her cards and encouragement as well as prayers.  I am also grateful that I took advantage of each person't request to help. Many didn't follow through, but many did and those that did were a huge help.