Conscious Living and Dying

Recently I talked with a friend as she was sitting with a woman who was dying. My friend had been there for almost 24 hours just sitting and helping when she could. This was one of her closest friends. Not many people were there that could relieve her, and so she felt that she needed to stay to be present for the actual time when her friend took her final breath. She was tired beyond words, but felt that she needed to keep sitting close to her friend.
It reminded of when my mother was dying. My mother had had such a beautiful dying process and had been so present with us until the last 40 hours before she took her final breath. I wanted to be there when she took her final breath, as it felt like such an important event. As the hours dragged on as each single breath seemed like her last, only to be followed after a long pause by another. She was totally unresponsive and it was clear to both us and the nurses that came to check her that she would not be able to respond again. The rest of our family drifted out of the room and I was left with my mother. I felt more tired and burned out than I could ever remember. Finally I called Hospice and told them I didn't think I could go on much longer. It had been so long since I had slept. Hospice sent a lovely weekend nurse to sit with me. This nurse encouraged me to share my feelings about death. Just being with this person gave me renewed energy and soon the rest of the family joined me. We had what I can only describe as an altered experience as we talked about death, in the presence of someone dying.
Then this nurse gave us advice that was excellent. She said that it is not so much the important thing that you are there for the actual last breath, as all the love and care that you put into the dying person up until that time. She told us that we all have limitations and that when we are sitting with a person who is dying it is important to recognise and honor them. Neither I nor the rest of the family felt that we could stay up another night with my mother. And so we all left her alone with her beloved cat, who lay on her chest and purred.
As it turned out my mother died the next day in the afternoon. Because we had allowed ourselves to sleep and care for ourselves, we were able to be very present for her when she did take her last breath.
After I shared this with my friend, she stepped out of the dying person't room and took a small walk and then had some food. She returned one hour later refreshed and able to be present once again. In caring for a dying person, it is so important to also care for ourselves. That is part of the gift that we give to a dying person.