Many people have the feeling that it is wrong to cry at a memorial service. "I need to be strong for the family!" However I feel that being real with your feelings is important and can actually be of service to others attending.
We have a very dear friend named Pat, who died at age 69 of cancer. Everyone loved Pat and he made everyone laugh, or at the very least smile. I never met anyone that didn't adore Pat. And usually when someone would talk about him, it would always be to relate something very funny that he did. His wife, Judy, did not want a big memorial service for him, because Pat was a fireman and there would be over 300 firemen, as well as all of their trucks. She felt that who Pat really was in the last years of his life would get lost in the presence of all of his fireman buddies who loved him so much. So she had a very small memorial service at our home with only 17 people that knew him for many years and were with him during his illness.
Barry and I led the service. I told everyone in the beginning that because Pat was such a funny man, that for the first part of the service we would concentrate on other qualitites that he offered into the friendship or family. Then for the next part, which was a celebration dinner, we wanted people to share funny stories. The service was beautiful and people shared very touching things about him, as well as musician friends sharing songs. But one musician, Charley,was very quite. Charley and Pat were best friends and had an amazing friendship of laughter and joy over the course of many years. Finally everyone had spoken and I asked Charley if he wanted to share anything or sing the song that he had written for Pat. There was a long moment of silence and then he burst into tears saying, "I am going to miss him!" He cried for a long time and we all gathered around very close. In those moments when he was crying others allowed their tears to flow and we all felt Pat surrounding us with love. Charley's tears and vulnerablity were definitely the most powerful part of the memorial service.
And so I feel that being real with your emotions and vulnerablity is the most beautiful gift that you bring to a memorial service.
Thank you. It sounds like showing your feelings helps not only you, but those around you, too.
ReplyDeleteI think I will be really glad to have this memorial service over with...it will be probably on the order of 200 people in the backyard of our home. I hope that tomorrow can be a healing experience. I hope I can trust in our visitors to be supportive instead of thoughtless. I hope that tomorrow goes better than I fear it might. I hope I can hold on to my trust and faith.
Thank you for your love and support and friendship and prayers. Your strong and healing presence has been such a blessing these past few months. I am so grateful to you for caring.
Love,
Kristen